____ life sucks, couldn't say it too clearly to avoid getting charge but ya, it really do.It's not about the accumulation of physical fatigue but more of the loneliness that creeps in and the mental torture it's giving, the fast yet monotonous life draining you of your energy, crippling you of your ability to even think well.
One fine example is the decision to enter the navy. Maybe it's just because im sick of these shit im going thru in bmt that it serve as a hope for me. This truly shows how weak i am, to succumb to wad's in front of me and make a hasty decision. Although the navy still is a very attractive offer due to the money, im having hesitation of dedicating 6 years of my life to it. Even the thoughts of going OCS frightens me, i really hate getting dirty in mud and afraid i couldnt take 9 more months of this shit but i also dont want to waste my 2 years experiencing nothing, i want to make the best out of it.
Im seeking for sound advice of others to reassure myself but ultimately it's my own decision.
I guess this is the phase of life where all the decisions come into play and you suddenly grown up and step into the real world. You have to trust your own judgement, not just words of your fren and that's my biggest problem, im easily swayed by wadever people said. I may put up a strong front but deep inside my belief decision was shaken.
I really need people to give me simple encouragement like 'push on' , 'it's okay' or 'you going to be more man after this!!!' I'm just asking for someone to be always there to gimme simple encouragement like this. To gimme a reason to continue.
Recently, just felt that my life's so extremely screwed up. Im not sure if it's only one person, two people or an entire group of people that i had annoyed and pissed off, but that thought alone just make me feel bad. I dont want to harp on this anymore but it's hard to get rid of this guilt but thru this F-ed up acts of mine i realised some people are really born kind and im amazed at how she's able to talk to me this calmly when she's all pissed off at certain point of time. Most people would just slapped the phone down.
Im a downright coward and i really hates it. I fell in love with a certain girl in one particular chalet last year but i never had the courage to take the initiative. Though i tried to understand her more, the door to her world always seems locked up and i can never find the key to it. I took my own sweet time and only until when all about to end, when i have to enter army, the thought of not seeing her face again just frightens me. I woke up from my dream and realise i can no longer just stand in a distance and peek at her. I get confused and tried to rush thing and now i have done some absolutely stupid stuffs and the damage done might be irreversible, probably is, and trying to salvage it will just make it worse and i knew it would cause it happened b4. If you are really kind, i hope you can just send a simple msg like " i hate you and dont ever want to hear your annoying voice" a clean painful stab to wake me up from my idealistic dream.
I didn't intend for this blog to confess my feelings or wadever, it just serve as an outlet to let these lil things out of my brain, keeping them all inside myself never feels good. It's like i have a million things i want people to know but there's no one i can tell that to and it feels really terrible. Maybe it's not that people do not try to understand me but i always build this wall to protect myself and i end up suffocating within them.
Anyway, dont even attempt to ask who's the girl i like cause i wouldn't entertain this question at all.
Oh, and there's one person i really want to thank but she may not know it. Hahaz, that's our jacq da jie, always willing to listen to wadever nonsense i have to say. THANK YOU >.<
To everybody out there, if you ever feel bored and extra msg to spare. Just send me well wishes or encouragement cause those random stuff really make my day =)
